Behind the Book
Having Courageous & Crucial Conversations
Estimated read time: January 15, 2024
Have you, or someone you know, ever found yourself suppressing your feelings at work, weighed down by judgment, and ultimately not being true to your authentic self? You're not alone in this experience!
In my journey to empower individuals to thrive in every aspect of their lives at work and everywhere, I’ve encountered a recurring challenge – one that many of us face: the delicate balance of welcoming, seeing, hearing, and working to understand and strategically support people while ensuring we, too, feel those things. And, if I say something about it when I don’t feel them, then folks think I’m not a good person, a good team player or a good leader, that what I am is selfish and self-serving, or worse. It’s a paradoxical dance, where the desire to support others often leaves us questioning our own place in the equation.
Lead from Within
My latest labor of pragmatic love involves a collaboration with eight other exceptional individuals in a project titled ‘Lead from Within: Entrepreneurs Share Proven Traits for Success.’ If you’re curious about the book, you can find more details below. For now, let me explain why I felt compelled to contribute and share my insights in its pages.
Hint: If you’re someone keen on navigating the path to authenticity in both professional and personal spheres, this might be a good starting point for you.
If You’ve Ever Had One of Those “I Wish I Had Said …” Moments
I know wisdom is always with us, but we’re not always in touch with it, and we really don’t allow wisdom to inform and lead what we do and say at work and outside of work often. If you’ve ever had one of those “I wish I had said …,” moments or if you’ve ever said something like, “I wish I could unring that bell,” then you know being led by wisdom – especially when somebody is triggered or when emotions are high can be challenging. We take classes on how to design conversations, how to develop our growth mindsets and more about skill development, but I started asking myself why people are having those conversations in ways that relationships were made weaker rather than stronger and instead of things being easier, more efficient, and better, they sometimes only got harder, more complicated, and worse.
My chapter in the book is titled, 'Six Steps to Connecting with Folks: Having Courageous and Crucial Conversations,' I write about pragmatic wisdom. The chapter is meant to help folks courageously address the emotional aspects of doing business when people are not connecting with their own experiences, thoughts, and emotions first and then with those of others. It’s about valuing that first step as a critically wise one in the process that’s often overlooked.
Work Is Personal
I challenge individuals and leaders about the idea of detachment in business. When we are looking at challenges and sometimes historically deep situations where people didn’t feel included or safe physically, emotionally, mentally, or psychologically, people are often told, ‘don’t take (whatever it is), personally.’ What a bunch of crap!
It might not be personal to you because it’s not happening to you. But if it’s impacting someone else or something important to them - it is personal to them because it’s happening to them.
- I can hardly believe I used to say that to people at work and in my personal life. I would think, “Why can’t you just focus on the work and the bottom line?” I didn’t even stop to think that even if I felt valued and respected, I wasn’t letting the other person know they were too. I didn’t invest the time to be sure they felt that I cared about them, wanted to know what they were going through and, even if the decision was rock solid, I was there for them, showing empathy, and working to earn the right for them to consider me their ally. I choose to believe that the intentionality of business, of telling people not to take things personally and not to be too sensitive was originally intended to be a good thing. But business and the work of business sometimes feels like it’s only about the bottom line and that the people really don’t matter except for if and how they impact that bottom line – the P&L.
People often feel they have become last or that they don’t matter at all, while we’re asking them to ‘bring their whole selves to work’ and to be their ‘authentic’ selves. It just sounds and feels like so much blah blah blah, a check-the-box thing. This needs to change!
I am resolute in my determination to help individuals prioritize themselves and each other and communicate how they value people not only for their P&L contributions but for themselves and their well-being—in business and life, in general. Work is personal.
Steps Towards Progress
In my chapter, I’ve outlined six steps designed to help people navigate their feelings and show up authentically at work, whatever their position, title, or tenure. These steps build relationships where everyone can be themselves, without compromising anyone else. Steps that help them feel and be safe enough to admit they didn’t know what to do, that they need help. And, while doing all that, to also build trust and awareness. So, my approach acknowledges that the crucial first step is:
Connecting first with yourself and then others as valuable and valued human beings.
See the Person and the Behavior
In navigating challenging work situations, have compassion and empathy for people who exhibit difficult, toxic behaviors. Notice I didn’t say difficult, toxic people.
See the person and the behavior, while being truthful about and not misrepresenting either.
- Having compassion and empathy for people who do horrible things is not always simple or easy.
- But whatever I feel gives me the right to call out their disrespectful behavior and its impacts as “horrible,” doesn’t give me the right to tell them about it while I’m being disrespectful myself.
These are some of the reasons why I decided to write my chapter and to share my thoughts, perspective, and life experiences.
More Behind the Book
Prepare yourself for the second installment of ‘Behind the Book’ where I share what sparked my personal call to action, as I crafted my chapter. Plus, I’ll dive deeper into the questions of who this book is tailor-made for. Please join me here!
You can learn more about and purchase Lead from Within: Entrepreneurs Share Proven Traits for Success, published by Red Thread Publishing -- on Amazon.